a life well traveled
Last weekend I was originally going to drive up to Vermont (6+ hour drive from Philadelphia) to cross off the final state of my 30 before 30 goal. However in listening to my body, I realized what I really needed to do was to rest and to stay more local. I had a really difficult… Continue reading Dalton Farms, NJ: Look to the Sun
Three months ago on March 24, 2021 I made the courageous choice to leave everything and everyone I loved behind in San Jose and just GO. I left my lease and my roommate in our apartment we shared. I left my relationship. I left my stable job at the hospital. I left friends. I left family. I left my dog. I left a severe drug addiction. I left the chaos. Bismarck, ND was my first travel assignment.
Tomorrow is the first day of my last year of my twenties. It is fascinating to me how much everyone seems to fear turning 30. If I am being totally honest I cannot wait. My twenties have been filled with so much... joy, pain, healing, love, learning, mistakes, loss, friendship, heartache, recovery and everything in between. I would not trade any of it for the world. It has taken a long time and a lot of healing for me to even say that. All of that to say, there are many lessons I have learned along the way. Here are the 29 things I would tell my 20-year-old self if I could go back and give her advice.
Today I read "which choice is more loving?" -- And I know which one it is. It is the road of letting go. Even though I have made so much progress, I am still not healed from the pain I put myself and others through. I have still not forgiven myself. There is still so much I am working through. The memories, the history will always be with him too. It is not lost just because we are no longer part of each other's lives. He definitely shaped mine. Nothing can change that either. Maybe one day I will come to a similar crossroad. Maybe I will be in a completely different place in a completely different time. Maybe. Until then though, I am choosing to make the choice that is more loving. Sometimes it hurts more to hold on than it does to let go. So, I am letting go.
My diary was somewhat of a safe haven for me. I did a lot of writing throughout elementary, middle, and high school all the way up until now. There is one thing I do remember as a common theme that weaved in and out of the pages of every diary I ever kept though, regardless of age. I want to be happy. Yet for a girl with the whole word at her feet, I could not for the life of me figure out how to achieve it.
If you know me, you know how much I love excitement. If I could be with my favorite people at all waking times, I would accept at least 95% of it. The other 5% would be reserved for recharging. I have never been able to just sit still. Any time I am not doing something or doing something WITH someone else is a moment wasted. That is how I always saw it at least until I got to North Dakota.
I can't point my finger to the exact moment I knew I had to go but that is because there was not just one moment. It was a collection of moments, years of moments really that sent me kicking and screaming to the wrong places before I finally knew... it's time to go.
Earlier in the week I felt a stirring in my soul and the quiet but peaceful voice of God telling me keep going. It was very clearly saying that I should not stay in North Dakota for my next assignment. As much as I do like adventure, I also really like comfort. When I meet people, friends, coworkers, and find places I love... I have an incredibly hard time letting go.
Seas & Statelines 