If you know me, you know how much I love excitement. If I could be with my favorite people at all waking times, I would accept at least 95% of it 😂 The other 5% would be reserved for recharging. The thing is that I have never been able to just sit still. Any time I am not doing something or doing something WITH someone else is a moment wasted. That is how I always saw it at least.
Until I got to North Dakota.
One of the hugest challenges for me while I have been here has been finding meaning in the mundane. In other words, the way my brain automatically reframes it is how do I find meaning in boredom? In moments where I feel lonely? In moments where I have no one to talk to?
As an empath and more than that just a person with very big emotions, I feel everything very deeply. At times I even get lost in my own feelings. In the past I had coping patterns that were not always healthy for me. In fact if I am being really honest… none of them were. They were really just escape tactics.
I escaped with men.
I escaped with drugs.
I escaped with toxic people.
I escaped with people who did not have my best interest at heart.
What was I escaping from, you ask? I call it the mundane, but it is really just ordinary moments that I have been running from. Feeling bored or lonely honestly felt like a death sentence to me. I was afraid that it would last forever, even when it really would have only lasted a night at maximum. I was in a never ending cycle of running from the very thing that would bring me peace: being with myself.
Luckily here in North Dakota I am thousands of miles away from the toxic people, places, and things I associated with. So what have I been doing? I come home and I watch TV… I am a little obsessed with Vanderpump Rules 🤫 I read books. I started reading fiction in fact… I used to only touch non-fiction. I keep where I am living clean. I cook my own meals. Sometimes I go to bed as early as 6:30PM. If I am feeling adventurous maybe I will go to bed at 9. LOL. I am learning to enjoy my own company and let that be enough for me. It never was before and that was the issue.
Tonight it is Sunday. I am going to secretary a 12-step meeting. Before that I am going to cook myself a simple but delicious meal (maybe a caesar salad wrap or pasta salad). I am going to get into comfy clothes. I have already been listening to calming music. Then when it is time to go to bed I will do so peacefully knowing that my intentions today were good, I spent another day clean from drugs and my other drug (toxic people/”love” interests), and at the end of the day, my heart is pure.